She's That Famous??

From the Toronto Star

"Since the Anne Murray Centre opened in 1989, more than 300,000 people have made the pilgrimage to Springhill, Nova Scotia".

Hmmm.

Muslims make a pilgrimage to Mecca. Jews make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem.

Canadians make a pilgrimage to a centre that houses what might possibly be the most boring collection of anything ever!

The Anne Murray Centre has a gift shop.

MECCA DOESN'T HAVE A GIFT SHOP!

Serial Killers

I was reading some articles about that serial killer guy from Penticton, BC.

The article started off with:

"Robert William "Willie" Pickton of Port Coquitlam, BC is a Canadian pig farmer and serial killer convicted of the second-degree murders of six women".

Pig farmer AND serial killer.

When you have two jobs and one of them is as a serial killer, does the first job really need to be mentioned? I would think even mentioning the previous job would be pretty much meaningless at this point. Even the killer himself, I'm guessing, would be ok if you omitted his previous job title. He'd probably be like, "Well to be honest, I'm a pig farmer by trade only. So, if you don't mind......"

It's not like he was pig farming and serial killing at the exact same time was he? I mean, I'm just assuming he wasn't. I mean, can you imagine the pigs. They'd be thinking to themselves, "hey, guess we don't have it so bad. Look what he's doing to that bitch. At least we get to eat first.".

And every article I read kept referring to him as "Canada's worst serial killer ever" . He killed more people than any other serial killer Canada has ever seen. Canada's worst serial killer ever, blah , blah, blah.

Now I don't know about you but wouldn't that make him Canada's best serial killer?

Now, that's a Slap in the Face!

Today, news came out that Ben Roethlisberger has been accused of sexually assaulting a woman. Here's what his attorney had to say:


"This weekend Andrea McNulty served Ben Roethlisberger with a civil complaint accusing him of sexually assaulting her in July 2008. Ben has never sexually assaulted anyone; especially Andrea McNulty".


He said "especially".

If I was this Andrea chick, I'd be more insulted with the fact that the lawyer emphasized "especially".

I Don't Want to Play Anymore

You ever find yourself playing the "follow the snot on your friend's face" game?

Why do people do this to me? Don't ask me if there's snot on your face!Why? Because even if I tell you its exact coordinates you're not going to remove it successfully on the first attempt. Invariably you will only move the little bugger (or rather booger) to a different location on your face. And then I'm going to have to follow it around saying, "no, higher. No, lower. Yeah, you got...oh, no, you just moved it again...oh, OK, now it's in your hair".

Stupid Racists

Wow.

I just had a racist encounter. Somebody was actually racist towards me. Can you believe that?? In this day and age?

After it hapened, I was like "what the f***". But to be honest it didn't bother me that much. It's because it was one of those stupid racist comments. You know, the ones that at first sound really bad but then you realize it didn't even make any sense.

I was walking along Queen Street with my twin brother and all of a sudden we see this guy approaching us..this major piece of white trash...you just knew he was going to be trouble...and he's just staring at us up and down, up and down and swearing and right when he passes, all you hear him say, at the top of his voice is "Fuckin Paki's, you all look alike"


We're twins you f****ng idiot. We'e supposed to look alike.

Make That Change

So, I've been on this "gotta make a change in my life" thing recently. You know, start treating people around me better. Treat my self better. I've decided that's it...today I'm going to make that change.

So, I'm on the GO train sitting down just looking at the people around me and I see this one lady..a huge lady..probably 350 pounds, walking with a cane, in obvious pain, sweating, looking for a seat. And nobody is getting up.

And then it hits me righ then and there. I need to do something.

An so, right there I make the decision.

I'm going to start going to the gym before I end up like this fat bastard.

Static

Have you ever nudged within centimetres of the car in front of you just to get better radio reception?

Get a Room!

Akward alert.

Okaaay. I'm just going to come out and ask. And I know this is something all of us non-whites have wanted to ask our white friends for a long, long time but just didn't have the nerve (or the stomach) to ask.

So, I'm going to represent.


So here goes. Ready?

OK, seriously, why do you people KISS YOUR PARENTS ON THE LIPS?


What is that? Oh My God.


I remember the first time I witnessed this. I was picking up a girl for a date from her parents house.

There I am. On the front steps oustide of her house watching her say goodbye to her parents. A nice girl close to her family. Ah, so nice to see.


Nice house. Nice car in the driveway. Well manicured lawn.

And then it rains shit on my world.

I could not believe what I was looking at.

There she is. Standing there hugging her dad and right when I think she's about to pull away, it happens. It was so disturbing I only remeber it in slow motion.

So she's about to pull away, she LOCKS eyes with her dad, HOLDS him by his fore arms, PUCKERS up and plants one on his lips!

Oh my God.


First of all, she puckered up. Why? What for? So, her dad knows she's a good kisser and that she would never kiss him with dry lips? I pucker up when I'm going to kiss my wife! Not the person that raised me. Kiss him on the cheek for christ sake and even if you do that, don't pucker up!!

Oh, thanks God..it's over. But no, she's not finished. Oh no, mom's just standing there all alone. Can't have that. Can't make mom jealous. Wouldn't want to deal with that in the morning.

So, she walks over to mom and kisses her on the lips too!

I'm standing there, mouth wide open with half an erection watching my date make out with her parents. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know if I should be throwing up or ask for a foursome? I don't know.

Holy crap. Can you imagine what would happen if our young Indian brothers new to the country tried to copy this? You know...just to fit in. "We all kiss our parents on the lips Sanjiv. Don't you. What do you do on your country?"


We touch their feet for christ's sake. Their feet! Their dirty ass feet! We'd rather touch the dirt from the streets of New Delhi with our hands then touch our parents' lips with ours.

Tired of Sleeping?

Today, on my way to work, I witnessed a homeless man stretching after waking up from what appeared to be a deep sleep. His stretching was so animated his knuckles turned white and his head tilted back and to the left.

He's homeless.

Don't you actually have to do something at some point during the day to justify stretching? Doesn't stretching usually indicate some sort of personal satisfaction with something you've done before falling asleep? What did this guy do?

Just sayin'.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta. Jerk!

Hey Doc! Stop making us other South Asian men look so bad.

I thought I was doing alright with my life. I also thought I had the respect of my wife.

Until YOU came along "Dr 5 o'clock shadow at 10am man".

I can't keep up with you man. If someone's brain is damaged, you know how to fix it. You can actually fix a brain. I can't fix brken drywall in my garage.

When you show your face every night on CNN, can you not do it during the dinner hour please? That's the only time my wife and I have any time to watch anything on tv. When you show up, it's as if I dissapointed her somehow. You should see how she looks at me. Like I'm an idiot because I don't know how to cure my son's ear infection. And all I can do is just sit there and make sure I don't giggle when I hear Wolf Blitzer say his name. Ha Ha, his name is Wolf.

Look, Indian men are insecure enought already. We don't need a brother like you "Mr. Encyclogupta" to make us feel worse.

My wife actually laughs at me now when she asks how my day went. Like my life as a banker is soooo bad. Hey, smart ass, do you get a lapel pin in the shape of an inukshuk for 5 years of service? I don't think so.

Sucker.

Weird Facebook Update

A buddy of mine who is a part time flasher and part time comedian posted on his facebook profile "great show in the park". Not too sure what he was referring to.